I feel so gross and disgusting. I fasted all day yesterday, and lost a pound, but then this morning I had egg whites and fruit and I felt sooo full afterward. I feel fat. My boobs are too big. MY stomach is enormous. My legs are gigantic and my arms are flabby. I just had dance rehearsal, but I feel like I should go and work out some more because I'm just so fat and gross. I think Rob is starting to notice what is going on, but he doesn't know how seriously I'm going at it this time. I'm depressed. Nothing really makes me happy anymore and I feel further away from Rob than ever. It's so hard having this huge secret that consumes all my thoughts that I can't share with him. I still cannot believe that I ate that much this morning. I started to feel full and I kept eating anyways. I am so weak. I estimate about 170 cals but it may even have been more than that. On the bright side, this means my stomach is shrinking...always a good thing...I am so unmotivated to do anything. Reading, internship stuff...I don't even feel like planning out my classes anymore. I feel like crying all the time. I was walking back to my room and suddenly had an image of Rob walking in on me crying and bleeding on my bed...
I've decided to go completely natural as far as food. That means:
- 100% vegan
- absolutely no processed foods
- no foods where I don't know all the ingredients
- so, basically I'm left with:
- fruits
- veggies
- beans/legumes
- nuts/seeds
- oils/vinegars
- herbs/spices
That means no artificial sweetner and no soda. I don't want to put that crap in my body anymore. Maybe I'll get some stevia. I don't like the taste as much, but it's natural and 0 cals.
All I can think about is food, eating, not eating, being fat and ugly, being thin and beautiful. I can't wait to see what 120 looks like. I've never been that small. I want every part of me to shrink and become small and tight. I want my cheekbones to be prominent and my eyes to look bigger in my slender face. I want people to say, wow, you're so gorgeous and thin, you should be a model. Basically I want to be what I am not. I feel like an empty shell. This disease sucks the life out of you and turns you into a ghost watching someone else go through the motions of your own life.
A poem...
She looks so
happy and thin
and beautiful.
Will I be that
happy when this
weight is finally
lifted?
Or will it never
be enough?
Is this just a
way of coping?
Or is this the
issue that
needs to be
coped with?
I just want to
be happy like
her.
But this desire
eats me up
every second
of every day
and I can't
escape it.
I want to
escape.
...I told Rob everything.
Then I completely binged.
Now I feel disgusting.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
I tried to throw up but I couldn't.
I don't even want to think about everything I ate after I told him.
- cucumber, tomato, onion salad w/ vinaigrette
- tomato soup
- pita
- baklava w/ chocolate sauce
- package starburst
- 3 rice cakes w/ peanut butter and raisins
- dried fruit
- straight peanut butter
- some pear
I feel absolutely horrific now, but Rob made me feel so much better earlier.
Food Ruins Everything...
I bet I'll weigh at least 5 pounds heavier tomorrow. Yuck.
Days without binging: 6
Just .5 pounds down from yesterday, but I'm fasting today, so hopefully tomorrow's weight will be more rewarding. I think I'm going to get a pedometer. That way I can see how much exercise I'm getting outside of the gym. Work in a few hours...it will be a struggle not to eat anything, but I haven't binged since last Sunday, so I know I can do it. I'm so close to my first goal weight but I still feel so disgusting. Will 120 even be small enough? I may have to change that to 115...I guess we'll see when I get closer how I feel about it. I'm finding that I'm less reliant on the girls now, but I still check several times a day. If I keep up this pace, I'll be so little when I go home to visit for Thanksgiving...hope that won't fuck everything up. I'm back to vegan, so that's one excuse not to eat things. Brilliant. I'm really proud of myself. I'm really going to get there this time. This is the real thing.
...I think my legs are looking a little thinner, but I still feel so padded everywhere, especially my hips and thighs. I can't wait to have long delicate arms and legs. So far the fast is going well, although going to work will be a true test, and I told Susanna I would bring her home food, so I have to refrain from eating that as well.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels!
Down to 133 this morning. Whoo! Last night Rob was saying that I looked skinny and that he could feel my ribs and I was like, no, I'm just the same as always. Then when I told him I wanted to go vegan again he was like, just don't start exercising all the time and being vegan and not eating much...too bad that's exactly what I plan to do. I hope he doesn't get too worried and try to stop me. I have my period right now and I'm sick, both of which can be used to excuse my lack of eating, but that won't last long and I don't want to overdo it. Some of the girls have been talking about neg cal foods lately. I tried to tell them that all food has calories, but they just want it to be true so badly they don't listen...oh well, fatter for them, skinnier for me. God, that's horrible. I've been debating whether I should ask Angela at work if she has an ED...if she does we could support each other, but if she doesn't or if she's recovered I would feel horrible. I think I'll ask the girls what they think. I'm also planning on measuring myself today to see if there has been any improvement. Susanna and I might do a 5k run tomorrow. I'm only worries because tomorrow I'm fasting and I don't want to pass out, that wouldn't attract attention or anything...
10/2 stats: 10/5 stats: Today:
chest: 35 chest: 34 cals in: 455
waist: 28 waist: 28 cals burned: 300
belly: 34 belly: 33 total: 155
hips: 38 hips: 38
arm: 11.5 arm: 11.5
thigh: 23 thigh: 24
Sooo...I guess that's not amazing progress, but it's only been 3 days. I'm starting to find that I don't always even want to finish the food that I allow myself. I'm really proud of myself because I haven't binged once in 5 days, *knock on wood. When I was working out today, my face looked really thin in the mirror, like my cheek bones seemed very prominent...it's funny, because I know if I told Rob or Susanna I only had 450 cals today they'd freak out, but it sounds like so much to me. I'm excited about my fast tomorrow but still have to figure out a way of not eating before I go to work at 4. Maybe just say I have horrible cramps or something? I'm definitely motivated though because I can see my body changing - I'm only 3 pounds away from my first goal weight! Also, I've become a gum maniac. I should probably go buy a big box at Target or something to save some money. I saw this absolutely gorgeous girl on campus today. Skinny jeans, cute flats, t-shirt, thin arms, long scarf, lots of hair...she was so tiny and beautiful.
So the scale this morning said 134.5! That's 4 pounds less than yesterday...such positive reenforcement. I looked a bit thinner this morning as well, but still completely disgusting of course. I just had lunch and I felt like everyone in the cafeteria was watching me...all I had was:
1/2 gardenburger - 50 cal
3 cucumber slices - 4 cal
3 carrot sticks - 2 cal
3 mandarin orange slices - 12 cal
10 crispy noodles - 6 cal
1 cup lettuce - 8 cal
1/4 cup cabbage - 5 cal
bit of balsamic/lemon juice - 5 cal
total - 92 cal
I'm planning to have something similar tonight before dance to give me some energy. I planned to do the eliptical for an hour this morning, but I could only make it to 30 min (300 cals burned) before I was just too tired. I wonder if people are going to start noticing that I'm not eating much and working out alot?
So...daily summary:
cals in: 191
cals burned: 300+
total: -109
One of the girls posted this song today by Ted Leo called "Me and Mia".
As I was walking through a life one morning
the sun was out, the air was warm, but
Oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
It was only then that I felt whole
Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I know how hard you try. I see it in your eyes
But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive might help you to survive...
There's more, but this is my favorite part. I'm so proud of myself for staying under my 200 cals today. My new favorite sweet is unsweetened ice tea with splenda. :)
I also came up with a cal rotation that works with my schedule to keep my metabolism confused:
S - 300
M - 600
T - 0
W - 200
Th - 500
F - 700
S - 0
I'm hoping it will work out, but Friday seems like so many cals...
I 'm feeling weak. All the other girls are so strong and I feel like such a failure. Some of them restrict to like 200-300 a day every day. It seems like doing that your metabolism would just quit altogether. I'm planning to do 2468 twice repeating and then do a liquid fast for a few days and see how I feel. It doesn't seem SO hard, but I'm also not really seeing any changes and that's discouraging. I still feel fat. Completely. And I watch skinny people eating lots more than me all the time and I want to scream at them. Why is it so unfair? That I have to work this hard while others don't have to try at all? I'm praying that after my period is over I can release some water weight and see that I'm actually making progress. 18 pounds really isn't that much. People have lost hundreds of pounds. I know I can do it if I just don't give up and decide that I'll never get there and will just be fat forever, because I will get there. I know I can do it with the support of the other girls. I just started wearing a red bracelet to symbolize my solidarity with others who have EDs. I think that's the first time I've ever truely admitted that I have one, as I always just tell myself that as long as I'm fat, I can't possibly have an ED...
I got on the scale this morning and it said 138.5. That's 1.5 higher than yesterday. But the girls told me it's normal because I'm on my period and retaining water. They told me I should stick w/ the 2468 even though it's really scary to eat more when it looks like I'm gaining. I've had diarrea all morning which is good I guess but I don't understand why since I haven't taken any laxes or anything. Do you think I'll be able to stop once I reach my goal weight, or will I just keep going til I waste away to nothing. That doesn't even seem possible, but even so, I don't think I would do that. Went salsa dancing las night and burned 500 cals...it was super fun. These girls keep me strong. Today is a 600 day, and then tomorrow 800 which really scares me. If I just eat like 200 a day, then I can stop and just not eat anything else, but when I'm eating all throughout the day, food becomes so tempting. I have to stay strong. I know if I do I will see results. Going to go to the gym today after class I think, so that's a start.
Stats:
CW: 138.5 (water, hopefully)
GW1: 130
Cals in: 555
Cals burned: 500
Total: 55
Days without binging: 3!
She's so beautiful,
when will I be?
her arms are
delicate
her thighs
don't touch
small bum,
small boobs
so petite, fragile,
delicate
like she might
float away
or scamper into
the forest
and disappear
with the
other nymphs
so beautiful
why is it so hard?
I was 137 when I woke up this morning. That's 1.5 less than my pre-binge weight and 4 less than after my binge. I feel so supported by the girls on the site. I know that I can be strong now. They are so inspiring and always encouraging one another. I'm on day 2 of my 2468 (ie: 400 cals) and I have the day all planned out, so hopefully I can stick to the plan. I can feel that I'm starting to get sick. I don't know if that's good because it gives me an excuse not to eat, or bad because it will make me weak to temptation. I relaly think that at least for now no one has a clue. And why would they? I'm certainly not wasting away. It will be so gratifying when the first person tells me I look skinnier...or better yet, tells me I should be eating more.
Nothing tastes as good as being thing feels...ever...
I can't think about anything but posting. I can't concentrate on anything. I want to eat my apple so badly, but I know I should wait until later so it will last me longer. I have to write an essay for tomorrow so I really need to focus. I am doing so good today though so I can't give in. If I can stick to my plan I'll just have an apple in a few hours and then some turkey broth soup for dinner. That will keep me under 400 for the day. I need to get online and read some posts for motivation, those girls are so strong. I'm trying to find someone to buddy with for my 2468 to keep me on track.
Hips: 38
Waist: 28
Chest: 35
Upper arm: 11.5
Thigh: 23
Belly: 34
.....ewww
Stats:
CW:137
GW1:130
Cal intake: 400
Cals burned: 1025
Total: -625
Today is the start of a new chapter. Friends I've never met can support me across oceans. I can't be happy until this desire of mine is fulfilled.
Days without binging: 1
No one here can understand. What would Rob say?
I will: Stay Strong. Think Thin.
2-4-6-8. Tomorrow is a 400 day. Wish me luck.
200 at lunch and 200 at dinner, then salsa my ass off...
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels...
No one knows, yet.
I know I can do this.
Stats:
CW: 139
GW1: 130
GW2:125
GW3:120
Cal Intake: 300
Cals Burned: 460
Total: -160
I have control over my cravings.
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